“Pinterest hosts thousands of tutorials for becoming beautiful. In one day, I tried all of them.” — Kristi Harrison
5 Most Disastrous Internet Beauty Tips (Tested)
#4. Use Concealer to Conceal Your Humanity
Unless you live in a never-ending loop of tribal initiation rituals, you probably aren’t seeing many women walking around with different colored lines on their faces. That’s because the next step after applying the concealer is blending it in so the unsuspecting public never knows you’re face-tricking them. My friend Katie Willert made the observation that once you’ve applied your makeup in this particular pattern, there’s no reason to blend. After all, why bother with a skinnier face when you can shoot for LION? It’s a great point, but once I put on the contouring makeup, I felt less like a lion and more like a clown melting in the sun.
The crap we women put ourselves through…
On Thursday my editor at Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader emailed that the publisher was so impressed with my work (!) that he’d shared my name around the office (!!) and that another editor would be contacting me about working on a new project!!! It’s still in the planning stages, but he and I have exchanged emails and he thinks I’d be a good fit.
So I guess now I’m potentially contributing to two Uncle John’s books!
My face hurts from smiling so much.
We’ve reached the point in summer break where conversations between my girls sound like this (Word-for-word. Really.):
16 year old: Do you want me to pound you? Because I totally will.
11 year old: Let’s dance, cupcake.
Minor crisis today as my daughter came running to me, “OHMYGOD Mom, the dog just threw up a gut!”
Which seemed kinda unlikely since the dog was dinking around just fine.
Further examination revealed that, in fact, she’d eaten the foot off of a stuffed toy that looks like a red crab and had thrown that up.
So gross, but at least we aren’t heading to the emergency vet.
My daughters and I have a weakness for those bridal TV shows where women and their “entourages” shop for wedding gowns. (Although if we’re ever shopping for a wedding dress and either of mine ever refers to me as an “entourage,”I’m gonna start flinging beaded belts at their heads.)
Anyway, and I realize they do this in part because it’s better TV, there are a lot of women who say OHMYGOD HOW CAN I POSSIBLY CHOOSE A DRESS WHEN IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF MY LIFE?!!
As someone who’s been married for over twenty years, let me offer some advice: calm the fuck down. It’s a dress. As soon as the wedding’s over, you’ll put it away and only take it out again fifteen years later so your kids can laugh at how out of fashion it’s become. (And it will look hilarious to them. Guaranteed.)
Also don’t worry about how the dress will look IN THE PICTURES WHICH WE WILL HAVE FOREVER because after so many years pass, the only thing you see when you look at your wedding photos is how very, very young you looked when they were taken.
So, please, don’t work yourself into a panic attack and don’t spend a house payment’s worth on the thing.
It’s just a dress. Really.
Some days you have to take baby steps and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Clichéd, yes, but that doesn’t make it any less valid: sometimes that’s the only way you can make it through.
I cleaned out the fridge and found five jars of salsa. I’m pretty sure they’ve been breeding in there…
Wasn’t summer supposed to cut back on the places the kids and I need to be? Because it doesn’t seem to be working out that way…
Since September I’ve been freelancing for Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, and although none of my articles have been published (yet, since I started in between volumes), I’ve sold them thirteen articles so far.
Then today my editor emailed and said she wants to put me under contract to do 50 pages for the next book. 50 pages!
Holy crap, I’m so excited!
Hubby and I heard Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” on the radio, and he pointed out that, in fact, the song only lists like 6 actual ways to leave your lover. So then we started coming up with more:
Get a new job, Bob.
Leave no forwarding address, Les
Tell her you’re a molester, Chester.
Act like a dick, Nick.
Move out in the middle of the night, Dwight
You can play too, but per the song, the way to leave your lover has to rhyme with a man’s name.