I walk into Target and immediately forget every single thing I came in for. And, even when I make a list, I either miss something on it or get home and realize I forgot to put something on the list. I swear I’m at that place once a week because I keep getting Target amnesia.

Is it just me?

Just saw Star Trek: Into Darkness. What an absolutely brilliant “fuck you” to the hardcore, traditional, hide-bound Trek fan.

EDIT: My husband completely disagrees with me, but I still think with this film the producers/writers are saying, very clearly, “This is our universe now. We may throw you a bone now and again, but we’re doing things our way.”

So I’m sitting at my daughter’s practice, and there’s a little guy singing “Pop Goes the Weasel.” Another mother overhears and says to her curly-headed moppet, “Listen, honey, he’s singing the song to the quadratic equation.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jesus, lady, your kid’s four…let her learn goddamn Pop Goes the Weasel without sticking higher math in there. Sure, she may learn the equation and spout it back at you for your approval, but she is in no way intellectually developed enough to understand it.

Let kids be kids, people.

Great, that is. Last week I was in the mood to see a movie, so that’s the one I picked. I roughly knew the story but hadn’t read it, nor had I seen any of the other movie versions.

Loved it.

Loved the look, the language is gorgeous, the anachronistic soundtrack worked, and I thought DiCaprio was golden as Gatsby.

Then I went home and read the book, and other than a tweak here and there, it’s very faithful and uses a lot of Fitzgerald word-for-word.

I’m not sure why all the critic hate, although I’ll agree that the first half was slightly stronger. But I thought it captured the feel of the book, and kudos to them for using so much of Fitzgerald’s beautiful words.

So, if you’re on the fence and tend to be swayed by the critics, ignore them.

Loved it!

Also, I really kinda want one of those adorable jazz baby haircuts, but my hair wouldn’t do that in a million years.

I wrote an article for Top Tenz about movie sets that were repurposed. It’s a different style than my Cracked articles, since Top Tenz doesn’t really consider itself a humor site (and has a no swearing policy, so my mom’s happy), but I hope you’ll enjoy it.

http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-movie-sets-that-took-on-a-life-of-their-own.php#

Thanks for reading!

Whenever I’m lucky enough to have a new Cracked article go up, some of you lovely, wonderful, fabulous people start following my Tumblr, which is awesome. (And a huge thank you to you lovely, wonderful fabulous people who have continued to follow me. You’re awesome.)

But then I feel such pressure. No, don’t go away, yet…really, I’m not that neurotic…it’s just that I’m nowhere near as entertaining without the Cracked editorial staff behind me. Whoops, I pulled back the curtain, didn’t I? You’re…you’re leaving now, aren’t you? That’s OK. I totally understand, really. You’re still awesome.

Anyway, for those of you who might be left, here’s a brief rundown of me: I’m really, really old. Like, ancient, by Internet standards. I’ve been married for twenty years (told you I was old), have two daughters, one in high school, and one in elementary school, and we have three awful dogs. Used to be a high school teacher until I quit to be a stay-at-home mom. Now, I contribute to Cracked whenever I can (which gives me the opportunity to write “fuck,” which is great—sorry, Mom.), and, in another part of my life that I still haven’t figured out how it happened, I’m the personal assistant to Joe Bob Briggs. (Joe Bob’s Drive In Theater, Monster Vision, Casino, The Stand. Yeah, it’s wonderful and weird all at the same time.)

So, that’s me, I guess. It feels like I just wrote a really weird personal ad, somehow. Most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing; I just fake it really, really well. I hope I can entertain you a little, every now and again, or at least not bore you to tears. (And at least my kids are well past the baby stage, so you can breathe a sigh of relief that I won’t be inflicting baby photos on you. I make no promises about dog photos.)

Crap. This is really long, isn’t it? I’ll stop rambling now. Everybody have a great day, you’re all the bees knees (That’s a good thing. Look it up, youngsters.), and, as always, thanks so much for reading!

Here it is!

http://www.cracked.com/article_20419_5-terrifying-things-nobody-tells-you-about-newborns.html

Hope you like it, and thanks for reading!!

EDIT: Thanks to saint-francis-blues for pointing out that while the title said “5 Things,” there were, in reality, 6 Things that babies do to creep you the fuck out. Clearly, I need to work on my attention to detail, because I read the title, read the article, and totally didn’t notice. It’s been changed on the site now because David Wong is an amazingly responsive editor. Anyway, thanks for the catch, saint-francis-blues!

Christina Wald, who is a kickass illustrator and friend, has an Indiegogo campaign up to fund the printing of a childrens’ book called Wordsworth and the Dragon. If you like dragons, books for kids, or books about dragons for kids, please take a look. Thanks!

 http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/wordsworth-and-the-dragon/x/3207555

-Dog woke me up at 1:18am
-Dog woke me up at 1:54am
-Dog woke me up at 3:30am
-Other dog helped himself to the pantry, 6am
-Toilet’s seeping water from the base, 6:30am, although I probably can’t blame that on the dogs
-Realized daughter has left the calculator she needs for a test here, when she’s already left for school, 7am.
-Dog helps himself to the pantry, again, 7:25am